The Redhead Chronicles

Taunting Dreams

2012-02-17T11:45:00.000-05:00

Dreams. The whole dream "concept" has been making me wonder lately.

God knows the deepest desire of my heart. He has chosen to say "wait" or possibly "no". I rarely allow myself to go to that dark place of the answer "no", because it terrifies me. So for now, let's say that he's telling me to wait.

I often pray- plead, really- saying "Lord, if you don't want me to be a mother, PLEASE, take away this deep desire and longing." It hasn't happened. I know that life is certainly not about getting what you want...But it's sure not easy! The longing in my heart is so deep, so close to the surface, and so ever present on my mind.

Before my second and third miscarriage, I used to fall asleep while imagining what it would be like to finally hold my baby in my arms. That was before there was a possibility in my mind of the answer being "no". Now, as pathetic as this may sound, if I am having trouble falling asleep, I have to either talk to Brad (if he's still awake) or play a "counting game" in my head to keep from thinking about babies, pregnancy, and the "what ifs". I will count down from 10, then from 20, then from 30, and so on, and so on, until I finally fall asleep. Other nights, I'll run through the multiplication tables in my head. If I don't, the thoughts and fears run wild, and I'll never fall asleep.

Now, putting my psycho-anxiety ridden falling asleep habits aside...

I know for a fact that I dream about things that I see/hear/talk about/think about/have happen to me during the previous day, especially if these things occurred close to when I fell asleep. So, it makes sense that previously, when I was thinking about babies, I would dream about babies. But I didn't really, not all that much. But NOW? Now, I dream about pregnancy/babies all the time. Is it because I'm thinking about it/ trying not to think about it constantly throughout the day? Is it because I'm trying NOT to think about it while I fall asleep?

I'm not sure. But I DO know that God can control our dreams. I know that if He wanted to, He could make me dream of Jamaica every night. I know that I'm not smart enough or crazy enough (I hope) to devise all on my own some of the INSANE dreams I've had. So, why is God causing/allowing me to have dreams like these? Last night, I dreamt that I was pregnant... In the dream, I didn't know it until I touched my stomach, and felt a little foot pushing outward onto my hand. It was about the size of my thumbnail. And in the dream, I cried with happiness, and relief.

And then I woke up. And being half asleep, was still semi-happy, because I didn't realize what was going on. When I finally came to, I was devastated. I have dreams of pregnancy/giving birth/being a parent a lot. And they always break my heart when I wake up. But this one has stuck with me all morning... I can STILL imagine how it felt to have a baby moving inside of me. It kind of freaks me out that I'm dreaming about this stuff. So, what's the deal?

Possibilities:
1) God's just torturing me/allowing me to be tortured?
2) God is trying to answer my requests for a baby by saying "In your dreams!" (I'm so punny)
3) He's trying to give me encouragement by showing me what will come at the end of the wait?

There's probably many other explanations, including that it's not all that much about God as I think it is. I just wish that I could escape from my troubles, at least while I'm asleep.
Why do I have to DREAM about the thing I want most? In most cases, like a dream vacation, you might be happier after the dream... so NOT the case with this one. I am often fine all day long- I think about the future, and get sad about the past, but I am in a place where I'm just trusting God, and keeping busy. And then... BAM! One of these dreams just totally knocks the wind out of me.

Feel free to weigh in with your thoughts about how God works through dreams...
Meanwhile, I'll be multiplying in my head at night like nobody's business!

PS: I Haven't forgotten about the giveaway- currently working on TWO custom orders for knitted baby blankets- very exciting!!! but, definitely not helping the elbow situation. I'll be back with more giveaway details eventually!

PS x 2: I LOVE crazy dream stories--- I've had some crazily complicated & awesome dreams in the past- any good ones to share?

Knitter's Elbow?

2012-02-13T14:18:00.000-05:00

I've been a busy little knitter this weekend... knitting these:

I knitted these little guys for Knit Pray Love through Cure International. They needed to be shipped this week, so I was knitting furiously. I know the colors of the hats are a bit.... ugly?.... but I desperately needed to get rid of some scrap yarn. The most important thing is that they were made with love and are super warm. If you're reading this and want to participate (and knit VERY quickly), check out the link. (they accept knitted hats- I don't believe they accept crocheted items).

This knitting frenzy led to an "injury" of mine being aggravated. Time for a moment of honesty...
The injury originated from me hitting my husband. Whoops.

One morning when Brad & I were waking up, we were goofing off & laughing/bickering about something. I was still half asleep, and rolled over to playfully whack him, and instead of my HAND connecting with his arm, my arm hit his, and my elbow joint was the point of contact. My elbow bent backwards (as in, the opposite way from how it's supposed to bend), and it hurt. I had a brief flash of really intense pain...which led to me running through, in my head, how the scene/explanation at the ER would look as I explained myself. Then. luckily, the moment of panic passed, and it was pretty much fine. My elbow was kind of sore throughout the day, but not enough that I really noticed it. I figured that God had taught me my lesson (don't hit your husband).

Well, this weekend of knitting led to the elbow pain being revisited. I don't know that I was really knitting all that much more than I normally am, so maybe the frigid weather (more on that later) intensified my pain. All I know is that now, I think I have Knitter's Elbow. I thought I had made that term up, but I did a bit of ~~research~~ googling, and saw that others complain of "Knitter's Elbow" as well. Who knew I was involved in such a high risk activity? I've had a bit of dull elbow pain from knitting in the past, but not like this. I ended up crying while trying to fall asleep last night, because it was so painful. I woke up every hour or so from the pain. And of course, I started knitting again this morning when I woke up. (I know, I know... but I had to finish the last hat!) I usually I have more trouble with my fingers & wrists---pretty sure fingers getting "stuck" bent isn't normal. I got these handy dandy compression gloves....

Stylish, right?

They help with the finger/wrist issues. Obviously, though, I'm on my own with the elbow pain. Guess I'll be spending more time with the sewing machine than the knitting needles for a few days.

So, notice that the backdrop of the above picture is a BLANKET?!? Notice how my last post was called "Feelin Like Florida". Yeppers- God has a sense of humor- fo sho. It has been FREEZING here for the past few days. Just bitter. Spring is not here yet.... boo. A girl can hope. Until then, I'll just sit here, wearing...

Socks

Slippers

Thick Leggings

Sweatpants

Long Sleeve Tee

Short Sleeved Tee

a Hoodie...

All at the same time. Plus the blanket.

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In other (VERY VERY EXCITING) news....

Guess who made her first sale on Etsy?

That's right!!!! Stay tuned for more on that, including...

A celebratory Giveaway... Yay!

Feelin Like Florida!

2012-01-31T15:35:00.001-05:00

Ok, maybe not quite like Florida, but this day is just BEAUTIFUL. Almost 60 degrees in JANUARY? It makes me wonder why I live here in PA- other places have weather like this all the time! I look forward to Christmas, but not Winter. I can handle the Fall weather and the Spring weather (though I could do without the allergies), but I really could say Adios to Winter and never look back. And Christmas will always come, even if we live somewhere without the winter weather!

No, I'm not a snow lover. Brad & I just had a discussion the other day about this. We decided that we're too old to be excited to go play in the snow (and we hate driving in it). And since there are no little ones running around here, there's nobody else to MAKE us get (or pretend to be) excited about the white stuff. Maybe once we have kids, our thoughts will change. But for now, snow is not our friend. Sorry.

In any case, today makes me smile, and warms my heart. It makes me think that the end is in sight. And the season for fun, outdoorsy stuff (like running without having a cold-air-induced breathing attack) will soon be here! I always read Kelle's Blog (a Florida mom) and marvel at the pictures of her kids in warm weather clothes in the middle of December & January. Doesn't sound all that bad to me! (On a side note, if you've never read her blog, you need to visit... and read this post if you've never been to her site. Her girls are beautiful, and she is inspirational).

Ok, that's enough gushing for now... Go enjoy the weather, wherever you are. And if you live near me, join me in praying that the warmth stays around!

Lost... and found!

2012-01-26T14:50:00.000-05:00

Back in September, before I found out that NONE of the costs of the testing would be covered, I had some blood work done. The blood work was supposed to find (or rule out) some potential reasons for my repeat losses.

The day of the blood work was an adventure in itself- I got sent to several different facilities, each one telling me "oh, I'm sorry, we don't have the means to freeze your blood deeply enough here" (after I was sent to EACH of these places from the previous place. It made me just want to call on my own and say "hey, how deeply can you freeze my blood?" before heading over).

The first "round" of testing that I was supposed to have done before meeting with a high risk doctor consisted of these blood tests plus a procedure. The procedure was considered a "surgery", and was billed accordingly. Meaning mucho mucho money. Which ALL would have been out of pocket. Not exactly feasible for us. I wanted to know what the results of the blood tests were before I thought about paying a boatload of money out of pocket for some far-fetched procedure. When I called to find out what the results of the blood test were....

The nurse told me they couldn't find the blood results.
That's right, ladies and gentlemen, my blood (which I paid out of pocket to have drawn & tested) was LOST.

Ugh. Let me reiterate that I switched TO this Ob/Gyn practice FROM the one I was with during my first miscarriage because they were awful, disorganized, rude, and insensitive. This one doesn't seem to be much better so far.

Anyways, I was supposed to get a call if/when they found my blood, telling me what the results were. I never did, and I finally called back yesterday to see what the deal was. I really try to avoid calling if at all possible, because I always end up in tears on the phone. But, I held it together, left a message (because they never pick up), and actually got a call back. Gasp!

They confirmed that they had FOUND my blood, and that the results were clear. Oh, and they also said that the reason they couldn't find the blood was because I chose to have it drawn at a location that they weren't affiliated with. I held my tongue and didn't remind them that the first TWO places they sent me couldn't even do the testing, which is why I was sent elsewhere. Oy. And people think I'm exaggerating when I complain about my doctor's office- ha!

SO, good news is that I won't have to have the blood drawn again. Bad news is that they haven't found an answer yet. I was sort of hoping that the blood work would turn up with something- not because I want there to be something wrong with me, but because they do testing for the most common/simple stuff first... so since they haven't found anything, it means there could be something more serious going on.

Now that we have that news, we have to decide when or how we are going to pay out-of-pocket to have the next procedure done, OR if we are going to wait until we have better insurance. (which probably won't make a difference since it will still be a "pre-existing condition" and they may try to get my old/current insurance to pay, which obviously won't happen).

Yeah, that was a really long winded way of saying- we got an answer, which told us that we still have no answer, and that finding the answer will, in fact, be costly.

Moving on.... how bout a classic funny video, just because...
My circumstances often make me want to to say...

"Is this real life?"
and
"Is this gonna be forever?"...

A Green(ish) Monster

2012-01-20T14:41:00.002-05:00

I've been hearing about and seeing many posts on blogs & pinterest about the Green Monster.
I love fruits & veggies, so I decided to try one for myself (with a few variations).

I've done this two different ways. First time:

3/4 cup skim milk

1 heaping spoonful vanilla Greek yogurt

1 Banana (frozen)

1 Tablespoon Peanut Butter

1 Tablespoon Ground Flax Seed

2 Strawberries

2 Raspberries

Small handful Blueberries

2 large handfuls spinach

2 Ice Cubes

I tossed everything into my food processor (a blender would lead to easier cleanup) in the order listed above. I blended it until smooth, poured it into my favorite "straw" cup, and tried it...

and....as everyone else has said...

You REALLY can't taste the spinach. It was really yummy! (And for the record, the reason mine is not a beautiful green is because I added the berries... green plus red/blue makes... brownish.

Now, my only complaint was that it was a pretty creamy concoction. I tend to be a "fruit & ice" type of smoothie girl, and with my body's lactose issues, that's probably better.

I wanted to try it with the milk, since I know that I don't get enough dairy/calcium in my diet. However, since I tend to like a less creamy smoothie, (and my stomach thanks me), I decided to change it up the next time around. I kept the yogurt, since the cultured-ness of yogurt doesn't tend to mess with my stomach. BUT, I substituted most of the milk with orange juice instead, and kept everything else the same. The result was much fruitier, and really yummy (the combo of the Peanut Butter with the fruit taste takes a little getting used to, but it didn't bother me!)

Here's my "Final" Recipe (if you're more of a "fruity" monster lover):

Erin's Green(ish) Monster

3/4 cup orange juice

1 splash (tablespoonish) skim milk

1 heaping spoonful fat-free vanilla greek yogurt

2 large handfuls fresh spinach

2 ice cubes

1 tablespoon peanut butter

1 tablespoon ground flax seed

1 banana (frozen or fresh- cut into large chunks)

2 (or more) strawberries

2 (or more) raspberries

1 small handful blueberries

1) Put Orange Juice, Milk, Yogurt, & Spinach into food processor (or blender). Blend for 15 seconds or so.

2) Add ice cubes, peanut butter, and flax seed. Blend again until ingredients appear to be mixed.

3) Add banana and berries (or fruits of your choice). Blend until smooth.

Some Tips:
1) I've found that the banana doesn't have to be frozen like some recipes suggest. Fresh seems to work just
fine.

2) After my first attempt, I found that if you throw the spinach in at the very beginning, it tends to get blended up a bit better.

3) I'm not kidding about this one... Wash the food processor/blender and cup RIGHT away... The first time, I put them in the sink with soap & water in them to soak for awhile... not good enough. Dried up banana & spinach are NOT fun to try to scour off of plastic.

4) Don't be worried if your ice cubes don't get completely blended (mine never do).

5) I put my monster in the refrigerator for 5 minutes or so before I drink it- it tastes even better if everything is nice and cold!

You may be asking... "Why not just make a regular ole smoothie for breakfast instead?"

I'll tell ya why...

This green(ish) monster kept me full for a REALLY long time! Normally, if I eat breakfast at 7 or 8, I am starving around 10:30 or 11. Three days this week I drank a monster around 7:30, and I wasn't hungry until around 1 pm! I'm not sure if it was the protein in the peanut butter and yogurt, the fiber in the flax, or the "goodforyou-ness" of the spinach, but this is now a breakfast favorite of mine!

Go Green Monster!

15 Ways

2012-01-10T14:35:00.000-05:00

So, after my last (super depressing) post, I thought I'd talk about the GOOD Things that are going on in my life these days. Here's 15 of them:

1) I have a new job with my church, coordinating childcare, overseeing childcare workers, & writing the curriculum for Tuesday morning childcare program. (Isn't it interesting how I can work with kids, babies & parents professionally without being upset? Probably if I was doing it full-time, I'd have issues, but for this, God has given me a peaceful heart).

2) My husband is (as always) hardworking, loving, supportive, and understanding. I'm so blessed.

3) We're still debt free (and hope to remain that way!)

4) I've got a roof over my head.

5) I'm blessed to have some fantastic friends, who make me smile & laugh when I need it most.

6) I've been getting a LOT of knitting & sewing done lately. (Much of it has been for Christmas gifts, but I hope to have new items up for sale in my Etsy Shop soon!

7) God's working in my heart to make me more patient, more trusting, and less anxious.

8) I achieved my goal of reading 52 books last year, (I actually read a total of 65 in 2011) and set a goal of 53 for this year!-- I figured since I'll be focusing more on Etsy this year, I shouldn't up my goal by a ton, because I'll probably be doing less reading

9) Got rid of cable, and got Netflix... and I LOVE IT!! I'm now addicted to Army Wives.

10) Found THIS website. I mean, who can't smile when looking at that picture at the top of the page?

11) Met my adorable new niece for the first time a month or so ago, and I didn't cry or anything. In fact, I enjoyed it. And was (and am) genuinely happy to be around her (which is a HUGE achievement for me).

12) Got to see my bestest bud from Virginia more than once when she was home visiting over the Holidays! :)

13) Was introduced to my sister's awesome black bean hummus. I think I could live on nothing but black bean hummus (and the dipping mechanisms) for the rest of my life. I hate real hummus. But the black bean kind? I dig it.

14) I've been having fun with my awesome Christmas gifts! Some of my faves: Clinique Happy Heart Perfume (first time I've had any for 3.5 years. My last bottle was stolen. Grrr), Pinking Shears, a Hot Glue Gun, a Victorio Food Strainer (applesauce here I come!), a TENT for camping, Tan Ugg-type boots, and a new sewing case. I know that Christmas isn't about the stuff, but c'mon... I'm not complaining.

15) I've got a list of songs that make me smile (and sometimes cry- but it's a pretty cry, not an ugly cry) like THIS one. And this one. Oh, and this one, too (to name a few).

But this one below.... Possibly my fave.

2012

2012-01-09T15:10:00.000-05:00

2012...The year of honesty. I've found it hard to blog (and often hard to talk to people) because almost no one knows the place where I am emotionally. The baby-overload of our family gathering yesterday made me feel that it is necessary to share.

Pregnancy Announcements. Pregnant friends. Pregnant relatives. Pregnant acquiantances. Pregnant strangers. Baby Showers. Pregnancy pictures. Birth announcements. Newborns. Babies. Parents.

All of the things that make my heart lurch in pain.
Many of you know that I suffered a miscarriage two Christmases ago. Most of you don't know that I've since suffered two more.

How does it make me feel?
It makes me feel like saying "I told you so" to all of those doctors, friends, and relatives who told me that miscarriages are common, and that I had no reason to worry. It makes me feel like moving to Siberia, and never leaving my house. It makes me feel like an unstable basket case. Bursting into tears in the Dollar Tree because a young woman is complaining about how she can't stand being pregnant isn't normal. But it's become my normal. I shouldn't have to hold my breath in our Adult Sunday School class during Prayer & Praises just because I'm terrified that someone may announce that they're pregnant and I'll have to pretend like I'm happy, or at least try not to cry. The question "oh, did you have any more miscarriages?" should not be a standard question that my friends have to use while they're catching up with me. I'm a hot mess... that's for sure.

I can't sit here reading blogs from women who have lost babies, and be afraid to share my own honest thoughts because I'm afraid of what might others might think. So, here's a summary/timeline of my "new normal"

December 2009- miscarriage #1 (unexpected, but VERY much wanted pregnancy). Told many family/friends, because it occurred 4 days before Christmas, and I would be MIA for much of the holiday gatherings.
January 2010-December 2011- saved money, I worried what might happen "next time", and anticipated when we could actually "try" for pregnancy #2.
January 2011- began "trying"
April 2011- miscarriage #2. Became increasingly more worried. Told no one.
August 2011- miscarriage #3. Now terrified. Told a few close friends.
called doctor, set up testing.
September 2011-Got bloodwork done, then found out that NONE of the costs associated with past 2 miscarriages would be covered by insurance, nor would the testing/procedures to determine the cause of my multiple losses. Would cost thousands and thousands out of pocket, because my "Recurring pregnancy loss" was considered a pre-existing condition, since my first loss occurred while I was under different insurance. If I were to have a successful pregnancy, it would be considered "high risk" because of my previous losses. Doctors visits (since they'd be with a high risk doctor) wouldn't be covered due to said pre-existing condition clause.
October 2011- Present- Sat at home, terrified, and hating insurance companies. No answers, and no way to move forward right now until either myself or my husband is able to get me better insurance. (Which still leaves it up in the air as to whether NEW insurance would even pay, or just try to get OLD insurance to pay, due to pre-pre-existing condition. sigh). Or until we win the lottery. Or rob a bank.

Summary: December 2009-January 2012.... avoidance of all things pregnancy & baby related... which is impossible. Attempts to put on a "happy face" in these situations... I'm no actress. So basically, a LOT of sadness, a LOT of nights crying myself to sleep, a LOT of days where I don't want to get up and face the world, a LOT of pretending to be happy when I'm not, and a LOT of worrying and praying. And not talking about it. It's not exactly something you can work into a conversation- ("Hey, did ya know that we lost 2 more pregnancies? And we have no answers? Cool, huh?")

Moving on... My hopes for 2012?

-More praying, less worrying.
-Less pretending.
-More money (hahaha).
-Answers.
-No "surprise" pregnancy announcements from ANYONE (I prefer to find out about others' pregnancies when I'm alone or when it's just Brad or I at home, so I can just cry, and not have to pretend to be happy when I'm not). So, do ya think the whole bunch of people that I know who might get pregnant this year could just send an e-mail to me instead of announcing it in front of others? Eh, it's worth a try! ;) Just saying, if it's sprung on me, chances are, I'll just be hightailing it out the door before you can blink. Defense mechanisms at their finest.

Do I really resent others' pregnancies/babies? Nope.
Do I think that literally 99% of pregnant women who haven't experienced a loss take their "healthy" pregnancy for granted? Yep.
Am I happy for them? Sure.
Does my sadness for myself FAR outweigh my happiness for them? Absolutely.

Ok, enough about all that. You can go & stop following my blog now if it's too much "tough stuff" for you to handle. Or, if you know someone suffering from something similar, you can direct them my way. Or direct them HERE or HERE.

Oh, and as far as what to say/what not to say to me? Don't ask. Ask how I am, but don't ask for the latest news (unless you're a person I've already shared this journey with). Just check my blog instead. Let me bring it up if I want to. Feel free to offer words of encouragement. Please don't avoid me because you don't know how to act around me. That's pretty lame. And PLEASE, keep us in your prayers.

My Deepest Regretsys

2011-11-28T19:41:00.014-05:00

Ever Heard of it??

http://www.regretsy.com/ is a site where they post Etsy items gone wrong...

WARNING: some (ok, maybe a lot) of the content can be crude (especially today's post- a response from someone whose etsy post got "featured" on regretsy.). beware. don't say I didn't warn you.

In any case, I "regretsy" that I didn't post for over 4 months. I also regretsy that my reason for posting now is shameless self promotion...

I opened an Etsy shop.

(Yes, that big long opening was all for the sake of a pun. You're welcome.) Hopefully, my items don't get featured on regretsy. That would really stink.

My etsy shop currently consists of taggie blankets (coming from a girl that worked in daycare for 5 years, believe me, kids love these things). I plan on adding a variety of other items sometime in the near future, as well. But for now, here's the link:

Simply Dandy

In other news... Let's quickly sum up the past 4 months with a few sentences & pictures (sorry for the picture heaviness).

1) Went to Cape Cod on vacation. See us below... on a ferry.

2) Turned 26.

3) Went down to VA to visit our bestest buddies. Trip included peach picking at an orchard. Peach picking included thousands upon thousands of bugs. Maybe closer to millions. I wanted to bathe in pesticides. (before crazy people start warning me about the dangers of pesticides---it was a joke. honest.)

Bugs=gross.

Views + delicious peaches+ picture of the boys giggling= totally worth it.

4) I quit my job. No, i don't have another (yet). Long story short= my boss (the owner of the company) passed away after a long battle with cancer. I decided that since the company was transitioning & I was stressed out beyond words, it was time to leave.

5) Went to Tennessee with our pastor for a counseling conference, to help with a mentoring program we're involved with. The hotel was beautiful. The speakers-amazing. It was an uplifting weekend. We learned a ton.

6) Carved pumpkins, as per tradition, with our fabulous neighbors.

7) Thanksgiving. times 3. (or times 11 if you count leftovers. I've got more starch in my frig than I know what to do with.)

8) Black Friday shopping. Starting at midnight. Lots of good deals, lots of good shopping accomplished. But let's just say, you should be very glad there's not a picture to accompany that one. I was not a pretty sight to behold. You'd think I was 86 instead of 26, based on the amount of tiredness, foot pain, and back pain that ensued after 9 hours of shopping.

9) Opened my etsy shop. Here's a picture as a preview.

The Big Two Six

2011-07-27T08:14:00.002-04:00

Well, today is my 26th birthday, and I realized yesterday that 26 is apparently the age where birthdays become "unfun". I am somewhat depressed about this one. 26 seems so much older than 25, which felt ancient to me. However, I am determined to enjoy my day. I have off from work, and am excited to have a free day.
So far, I've:
1)worked on some knitting
2) caught up on some TV shows (thanks to On Demand)
The plans for the rest of the day:
- Shower (usually a good idea)
- Go to see Winnie the Pooh in the theater (this will be my first time going to a movie solo).
- Treat myself to lunch at Panera and a drink at Starbucks
- Spend some time by the pool (while making sure to cover up my yard-saling induced sunburn from last weekend)
-Read more of the latest book I started ("The Graveyard Book"- so far I'm NOT into it, but we'll see)

Then I get to see my hubby later when he gets off work, and my family this evening. (Also get to eat my leftovers from my birthday dinner last evening).

All in all, it's shaping up to be a good day. Maybe being 26 won't be so bad after all...

Spring Has Sprung?

2011-04-10T10:34:00.004-04:00

I hesitate to say it, but Spring may finally be here! I am VERY ready for the warm weather. The past two winters have given me the blues, but the bit of warmth and sunshine is perking me up. With Spring comes lots of birthdays for our families, relatives visiting from out of town, the INSANE season at work (that's not a perk, but I'll hopefully get through), and hopefully lots of time spent outside. Speaking of work, I've been corrected on my last post. Apparently the man's accent was thicker than I knew, and my coworker and her husband figured out after awhile that the guy was saying he was "busier than a one eyed cat watching two MOUSE holes." Which makes more sense, but my opinion still stands that I talk to some seriously wacky individuals on the phones. Like the guy who I spoke to the other day... I was taking down his contact information, and when I asked him for his phone number he said "Now remember, you'll need that number to get into heaven, too.".... Pretty sure I actually did hear him correctly, but he left me mightily confused. That being said, those big changes that I mentioned are still in the "hope" stage right now, but with God's will we'll be seeing them coming soon. And if not, this redhead might go off the deep end. The other thing that comes with Spring is illness, apparently. I caught the stomach bug that has been going around, which apparently was the extended deluxe version, since it lasted for 5 days in total, and I also got the bonus of a sinus infection. It's certainly been making it's rounds, and I managed to get it in spite of my winter-hermit behaviors. So this girl is off for a day with her fabulous hubby, resting up before another week of craziness.

A One Eyed Cat...?

2011-02-04T10:35:00.004-05:00

I've promised myself that more blogging will be done this year. We'll see how that goes. 2011 is here, and along with it, my blog has a new design. I'm still tweaking, but fairly happy with it so far!

Not too much is going on here in our household... We're both more than ready for this crazy icy/snowy/blustery weather to move on out. There is hope: I woke up this morning to the sound of some friendly little birds tweeting on my windowsill. Normally in Spring and Summer they drive me crazy while I'm trying to sleep, but right now any sign of warmer weather is welcome!

This redhead and her hubby are hoping for some big (or at least long-awaited) changes to come in the near future. Neither of us are using our degrees at the moment, which isn't a bad thing necessarily (although our wallets may disagree). However, we're not making a huge impact on the world either. Not that we need to be superheros, but I think God is certainly speaking to our hearts lately about where He may want us in the future.

Work on my end is filled with answering phones and never knowing who may be on the other end, and what they may say. My favorite quote as of late came from a gentleman in Georgia (he was a sales rep calling for one of our painting companies). He asked me how I was doing, and I answered "fine, how about yourself?" His reply was as follows: "Well, I'm busier than a one-eyed cat with two mouth holes... That's all I can say about that!"

HUH? I had to try SO hard to wait until I hung up the phone to laugh at that one. There are some strange, strange folks in the world. I must say though, I'd rather talk to the quirky hillbillys with weird southern sayings anyday than the angry customers from Philly and New York. They can just be downright mean. Such as the gentleman who said "I don't think you understand. I WILL destroy you." Right. You're going to reach right through that phone to destroy me. And I'm at least 100 miles away. Good luck with that.

We'll see where God leads us. Who knows what new sayings we may learn about on our journeys. :)

Here Comes Susie Snowflake...

2010-12-10T19:49:00.002-05:00

It's that time.. the flakes have begun to fly. Arg. Don't get me wrong, I am chock FULL of holiday spirit. Just ask my hubby, who is forced to sing Christmas carols with me and drive me around to look at Christmas lights. Just ask my neighbors, who have seen my handmade "Merry Christmas" banner, and who probably hear through their walls that I play 101.3 The Rose Christmas music constantly.

However. I am not a snow fan.

There, I said it. Let the flogging begin. Do I really despise the white stuff? No, not at all. In fact, when I was unemployed last winter and had nowhere to go, I didn't mind it at all. It's the driving in it that gets me. I've had this severe driving anxiety ever since I got hit by a drunk driver about 4 years ago. It is mostly manageable now, but that anxiety comes back full-fledged when I have to drive in the snow. It is debilitating to the point that when it would snow, I would have Brad drive me into work when he went in at 4:30, and I would let myself into work with my key, and sit in the staff room with blanket for 3 hours off the clock until I was scheduled to work.

Am I a bit nuts? Probably. But, until I get over this snow+driving=panic attack thing, the white stuff and I may have a rocky relationship. It's all pretty, I'll agree. Too bad there aren't snow days for adults, huh? No worries, I just make up for it with extra Christmas spirit elsewhere.
But until I appreciate the snow again, there's no doubt...
I'll be singing "Silent Night" a little louder than "Let it Snow".

Not Me Monday

2010-10-11T21:58:00.003-04:00

I totally didn't just spend most of my evening playing Lego Harry Potter when I should have been doing laundry. Nope, uh-uh.

Plead with the little kitties anywhere near a road saying "please don't go on the road buddy, stay right there!"? Nah. And have a full blown anxiety attack because my husband hit a squirrel while driving? oh no. Not me.

I wouldn't ever break down in tears after being screamed at by a customer and then snap at my coworker who says "you've just gotta let it roll off of you". No way.

I didn't spend my Sunday making homemade applesauce and then decide never to buy it in the store again. Nope, not me. And I never ever ever manage to get stuck in line at A.C. Moore or Michaels behind someone with a major coupon/credit card issue. I didn't see my bestest bud this weekend, and it wasn't at all fabulous to catch up. And I don't miss her since she's in Virginia. No way. And as far as blogging and keeping in touch goes, I'm totally NOT a failure at doing that regularly.

Speaking of failures, I didn't complete my entire 5k training program a few weeks ago only to not run for 3 weeks straight because of the pitch-blackness of the mornings... no way. That would be a waste. I also didn't go buy a really dorky headlamp so I CAN run in the dark. Dorky? Not me!

I also didn't lose my Fantasy Football matchup by ONE stinkin point this week and then pout about it. Nope. And I'm pretty sure it would be ridiculous if I would admit that I have a "Ziploc Big Bag" stuffed to the brim and overflowing with all of the yarn I have purchased over the past year.... nah, I don't have that much. And I'm not considering opening an Etsy shop, because that would just be crazy since I barely have any free time as it is. Speaking of knitting, I'm totally not at all looking forward to knitting group on Wednesday.

And just to assure you, I don't ever get off topic or skip around in my thoughts. Nope, Not Me.

Summer's Done...

2010-09-14T20:27:00.006-04:00

Here is a review of my summer- in pictures... since i've been remiss in posting lately.

And now we welcome the Fall... I can only hope that this Fall/Winter season is much less eventful & emotional than last year.

The Babies are Growing Up!

2010-08-06T23:47:00.006-04:00

Whoa. Where has time gone??? My summer days have been quickly filling up, and time is flying. It's hard to believe that my baby siblings are growing up. Chloe just turned 7...

It seems like just yesterday I was meeting my baby sister for the first time. She is near and
dear to our hearts, as she was born the summer that Brad and I began dating. What a sweet little one she is.

And then there's my brother Ryan. How he got so tall, I'll never know. But I can say that he is easily able to beat me up these days, and he reminds me often. He is turning 16 today.

Happy Birthday Baby Brother. I'll get off the roads now.

Oh yeah, and then there's me... the old fart. I had a birthday recently, too. (More on that later... here's a sneak peek):

24 blissful months

2010-06-21T19:11:00.003-04:00

"Wherever this journey may lead to, I will be there for you..."

Two years ago today I walked down the aisle while those words were sung. What a beautiful journey it has been so far. As my husband is somewhere off in the Canadian wilderness today, I'm somewhat thankful to be alone on this day (as strange as that may sound). It's given me a chance to reflect, to be thankful, and to realize how incredibly blessed I am. I can't imagine my life without Brad.

Looking back on the past two years, we've had our share of ups & downs. The awesome thing about it, though, is that the ups & downs were 99% "life" things, and not relationship issues. Exactly 6 months ago on this day, we lost our first pregnancy. Brad held me up during that time, as my emotions were crushed. I couldn't be more thankful. And now, I'm at such a place of peace and happiness. I love where we're at. I can't wait to see where we get to go, but I LOVE where we're at. God has allowed us the privelege of walking through some valleys, but I'm surely on a mountain top peak today.

As I go to bed tonight, I'll be thinking about and praying for my wonderful husband. I think Brad said it best in the card he left for me to open today:

"I look forward to a lifetime of anniversaries."

Yes, God is good.

Life is Good Today...Adios and Vaya Con Dios

2010-06-12T06:49:00.005-04:00

Life lately has been pretty blissful. I've been sticking to my eating habits much better, and have begun to **gasp** run. Well, ok... 75% of my workout falls into what our Moms' generation would call 'power walking', but I'm making strides. Literally. And for anyone who knows me and my knees, it's a great feat. Brad and I got rid of our gym membership a while back, and I decided to stop using that excuse for not exercising as much as I'd like. It's so gorgeous outside these days, how can you stay in? And I watch the contestants on the Biggest Loser run a marathon and think "surely if a 400 lb man can do that, I can!". So I set off on my journey. I'm working through the pain, remembering to stretch, and popping massive Advil/Tylenol cocktails. And my buddy at work, Katie, who's a big runner has been doing some research for me about my cartilege degeneration disease. (The lovely diagnosis that explains the bone on bone sensation I get when I do high impact exercises.)
I know that people say "oh, just buy an eliptical!" Well, if you've seen my apartment, you know that's a no go. And once again, who wants to be stuck on a machine inside when there's a whole world to explore out there? So, in my research, I've been looking at shoes that change your stride, and I'm somewhat lusting after these. Crazy looking, but apparently helpful for those with knee injuries. I'll keep ya updated on what I decide. In the meantime, i'll be nursing the blister on my big toe. It's the size of Montana. I'll spare you the pictures.

In 5 word sentences here's a brief overview of the big happenings in our lives lately:
Brad's dad got a Mustang.
Been doing mucho hot tubbing.
Ritas trips have also ensued.
Met with adorable church couple.
My 90 day work review.
Loving my brand new tupperware.
Got a new oven-woot!
Planning my 25th birthday party.
Yes, Life is Good Today.

As we come upon 2 years of marriage, my hubby is off for an adventure with the boys in Canada. They head to the Canadian wilderness, get flown into a remote cabin on a lake, and the boat plane comes back for them a week later. They spend the week fishing and doing whatever it is guys do. (I'm sure I don't want to know). He's going with his dad and three brothers, and some other male family & friends. He's pretty excited. I'm excited for him. I'll miss him bunches, though. This will be the first time we're apart since we got married. I'm sure he'll have an awesome time. And though I thought I'd be super bored with him gone, every moment of my week seems to be filling up quite quickly. I'm much anticipating the weekend visit from my college roomie. Excited doesn't even begin to describe it. Updates later.

And because I have had the song forever in my head, I'll sign off by saying,

Adios & Vaya Con Dios

Entertaining...

2010-05-25T18:25:00.005-04:00

So, our household has been entertaining quite a bit lately. And as much as my husband makes fun of me for going overboard on food and drinks when we're having guests, I think he secretly enjoys it too. I mean, look at this salad he arranged. Pure art, in my completely unbiased opinion:

Now, to his defense (because we wouldn't want my poor dear husband to be made fun of), he does work with produce for a living. He and vegetables have some sort of special bond.

In other news, I just received my free tupperware after having a Tupperware party recently. I'm amazed. And a bit concerned about how it will all fit into our cupboards. It's a good thing I love to organize. The pathetic part of this is, the picture only shows the most recent shipment of Tupperware I received. I may have an addiction brewing. I justify it by reminding myself (and Brad) that Tupperware has a lifetime warranty.

Gulp.

But really. It's free. I'm certainly not complaining.

And before signing off, I simply have to give a shout out to the fabulous weather we have at the moment. **contented sigh** there you are, Summer. :)

Toes in the Water, Toes in the Mud...

2010-05-10T21:26:00.003-04:00

Spring has sprung, and my good old college roomie and I couldn't resist the little critters swimming around in the creek. A day can't be much more complete if it involves yard saling, a free lunch, and creek wading. Ah, the joys of the warm weather. I appreciate the changing of seasons so much more this year. For both myself and my good friend, the winter was rough, but as the seasons change, our hope renews. And I get to see this beautiful gal again this weekend! More shopping and creek wading on the agenda. Life can't get much better.

The "M" word

2010-04-15T09:27:00.001-04:00

This post is a long time in coming. I had no idea where to start, yet it has to be put out there. This topic should never be taboo, yet for some reason our culture pushes it into a corner and refuses to talk about it.

Miscarriage.

There. I said it. That one word and all that it entails flipped my world upside down around the holidays. And I’m forever changed. Yet, apparently I’m not supposed to talk about it. For some reason having a miscarriage makes me “dirty”, or incapable in some twisted way. Or maybe it’s just that the conversation makes people uncomfortable. Bingo! Ladies and gentlemen, we have found our answer.

At the risk of sounding “woe is me”, I’m going to tell my story… because I will never forget what I held so dear for such a short time. And also because it makes me ill that so many women suffer through this ordeal in silence, because people don’t know what to say, and just plain don’t want to talk about it because it scares them to think that it may happen to them. The truth is, one in every four pregnancies end in a miscarriage, and 80% of first pregnancies end in miscarriage. Many women never know they are experiencing it, they simply think their “monthly friend” was a bit late and heavier than usual. But for some of us, we know of the precious gift that is growing inside of us, only to have to say goodbye far too soon.

Brad and I were surprised to find out I was pregnant, to say the least. The news hit us like a ton of bricks. I was alone when I took the test, then the second test, and then the third. There was no denying that little pink plus mark. I threw up, and then bawled on the bathroom floor. There I was, newly-ish married, enjoying the “two of us” time, and without a job or health insurance. Then slowly, I started to become ok. Seeing my dear husbands shocked face turn to hesitant joyfulness made me realize what I had just been given. And I also came to terms with the fact that my ways are not His ways, and that everything He does is just and true. I began to love my sweet little one. I began to dream, hope, and wonder about what he or she would grow up to be. Would my baby have red hair, my husband’s calm demeanor, my peppiness? I started doing all the research my weary, nauseous body could handle. I started writing letters to my little one, to give to her (yes, I became convinced it would be a girl) when she was older. Brad and I shared this teeny little/whopping huge secret. We told only two people, our pre-marital counselors who have walked through much of our relationship with us, and who are some of the most caring and Godly people we know. We asked for their prayers, and I know we had them. I became excited.

Then the bleeding started, and my world caved in. I feared the worst. I went to the doctor for an exam, and she did blood work, etc. and told me that everything looked fabulous, healthy, and very pregnant. She scheduled an ultrasound and more blood work to determine the cause of bleeding. My hope rose significantly, and I began waiting anxiously to hear my little one’s heartbeat during the ultrasound a few days later. Looking back, I can see God’s hand in every part of this ordeal. Literally the moment I found out I was pregnant, I knew that the only way I could deal with what I was going through was by praying and having faith. My relationship with the Lord grew exponentially during that time. He turned my heart around to be accepting of the situation.

I feel like I need to insert a disclaimer at this point. I have always wanted children. I don’t want to write this story and have it sound like being pregnant was the worst thing that could have ever happened to me. I never once felt spite or un-love towards my little one, not for a moment. I was simply scared about the circumstances in which I was standing. The timing was awful. But in reality, the timing was perfect, because God doesn’t make mistakes. I was simply scared and worried. And if you know me, you know that I can worry with the best of them.

Returning to the “looking back”…I know that God’s hand was in this whole situation. Otherwise, there would be no way that my husband would have randomly had off work the day of my ultrasound, allowing him to go with me. Who knows what state I would have walked out of the doctor’s office in if I didn’t have Brad there to hold me up and support me? We walked around Barnes & Noble for about 2 hours before my appointment, because I was too scared to sit and home and allow myself to think through the possibilities. I think we prayed constantly that morning: when we woke up, once I was ready, before we left the house, in the parking lot before and after the bookstore, and before the appointment. I was a nervous wreck. Huh, Erin? With anxiety? Who would have guessed? I think somewhere deep down, amidst the morning sickness, insomnia, constant peeing, cravings, and countless other symptoms…. I knew. I just had a feeling, as much as I didn’t even want to consider the possibility.

I laid down on the table, shaking. I scanned the screen, waiting to see a sign that all was normal and well. Not that I really knew what to look for. Then I made the mistake of looking at the nurse’s face. And I knew. She looked at me as my eyes spilled over, and started to explain, and that little, awful, “m” word hit me like a freight train. Brad immediately began hugging me as I sobbed. The nurse gave me a little squeeze, her own eyes watery, and then she left us alone. Alone in that dark room. No little picture in my hand….staring at posters of “normal fetal development.” Knowing my full capabilities of “losing it”, I actually did fairly well with the events that followed. I don’t even want to begin to get into the story of how horrible the rest of my experience with that doctor’s office was. The way I was treated doesn’t even deserve to be spoken of during this post. I won’t allow myself to step up onto that soapbox. Maybe another day.

I officially miscarried at home a few days before Christmas, on our 1 ½ year anniversary. The bills amounted to thousands of dollars. I packed away the mementos so I wouldn’t have to look at them. I wrote one last letter to my darling little baby, saying goodbye, knowing I would never get to hand them to her. It was hard. There are no words to describe the pain. And of course, since I missed so many holiday festivities as I laid at home, losing my baby, I had to tell people what was going on. And then the questions began. “Why are you telling people that you miscarried when we didn’t even know that you were pregnant?” Thanks. That really helps me feel better. Apparently I should have simply said that I was “sick”, and let my husband lie to everyone about what that “sickness” entailed. No, I didn’t tell people I was pregnant for fear of this very occurrence. However, if I would have miscarried at a different time, not around the holidays, I may have still told people. Because I can’t see my friends and family and pretend like nothing is wrong when I just lost my first child. It’s not right.

Which brings me to my point: Why is it “wrong” to grieve for the loss of our unborn child? Why is miscarriage, and even worse stillbirth, taboo? I just want to get this straight. Even if other women go through this and may benefit from talking to someone who has been there, I’m supposed to keep my mouth shut? It’s ok to grieve the loss of a mother, father, sister, grandparent, etc. who we have years of memories with, but it’s not okay to grieve the loss of our baby, who we were never able to meet, let alone build memories with?
I don’t get it. Not one little bit. I am not bitter or angry about what happened. I know that it was God’s plan, and that He has great plans for me in the future. I repeated this verse over and over during my miscarriage:

“For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” ~ Jeremiah 29:11

I just think it’s a shame that we can’t talk about this topic because others are uncomfortable. Now, would I EVER bring up my miscarriage to a pregnant woman? Absolutely not. I don’t want to cause anyone worry or stress. I just wish that I wouldn’t be expected to “move on” and “get over it”. It’s not going to happen. Although Brad and I still aren’t ready for children, it pains me every time I hear that someone I know is pregnant. I think about what could have been, and what never will be. But maybe that’s ok, because I also begin immediately praying for them and their unborn child…praying that they NEVER have to experience what I went through.

I’m in a strange place right now. I know we’re not ready for kids, yet I yearn for a baby. I enjoy being married and spending time together, yet I find myself thinking about what week of pregnancy I would have been in, and how big my belly would have been. I have a touch of “baby fever”, yet I’m content with where we’re at. Only God knows what the future holds and why the past played out the way it did. All I ask is that you pray for every pregnant woman you know, that she will not have to experience what so many women do. I also ask that if you know someone who miscarries, please don’t silence her. Ask her how she’s doing, and remind her that you won’t forget. Because I can tell you something for sure… She never will.

Newest Obsessions...

2010-04-12T21:25:00.002-04:00

- Low fat cinnamon graham crackers
- Aveeno naturals lotion
- The Celebrity Apprentice
- "knitting ahead"- for my future children, and for friends' future children (crazy? possibly.)
- Exercise ball- work that core!
- Printing photos for scrapbooking
- Tupperware!!!!! (looking forward to my party on the 8th)
- My new sewing machine
- "Amish" books- Brunstetter and Lewis
- Storage unit purging
- Cotton yarn

The beautiful days of Spring...

2010-04-02T09:29:00.002-04:00

I just have to comment on the glorious thing that is.... SPRING.

Windows open, breeze almost chilly but too beautifully fresh to be uncomfortable. Sun shining, birds tweeting, things turning green and pink and flowery....

It's amazing. It almost makes me want to live somewhere where things are green and warm all year long. But I think of how this "Spring awakening" experience would be lost. I wouldn't be able to rejoice when the last little mound of snow is finally gone, when I can wear flip flops for the first time, the first non-coat day. So, I'm pretty sure that this is where I'm meant to be, for now.

I can't help but believe that Lancaster County's beauty is possibly the greatest example of God's creation. We experience all four seasons fully, and the changes that come with those seasons bring hope, trials, and excitement.

You can't help but feel blessed on a day such as this. And it is a blessed day, although somber... the day when He gave His life. For us. In the words of Chris Tomlin...

"Indescribable."

Have a blessed day, and a wonderful Easter weekend.

10 random facts

2010-02-26T19:59:00.004-05:00

A list of ten randomly chosen facts/tidbits/oddities about little ole me.

1) I have been known to order mashed potatoes and french fries as my two "sides" when out to eat.

2) If you count step siblings, I have 5 siblings.

3) As a kindergartner, I wanted to be an artist.

4) Fleece/Soft Microfiber gives me the heebie jeebies.

5) I am crazily emotional about and attached to animals.

6) I always have at least one bruise per leg. Klutzo.

7) There is chap stick and lotion in every room of our apartment. Just in case of skin emergencies. (see # 4)

8)I am so in love with Jamaica (where we went on our honeymoon) that I tear up every time I see a Sandals commercial.

9) I became a believer later than most people, at 16 years old.

10) As a child, I used to make myself socks out of tissue paper and scotch tape.

Yes, that's me. The list could go on for miles, but I'll spare you the facts. Mostly because I'm worried that if y'all see how strange I really am, I won't have any friends left. ;)

Rolling with the punches

2010-01-29T18:45:00.004-05:00

I'm making this brief and to the point because 1) This blog has been way too deep lately, and I don't want it to become my personal online diary and 2) There are many reasons behind my decision, and it would take a year to explain.

I didn't keep the new job I started. I left after a few days. I had problems with a lack of training, I disagreed with policies/methods that the job entailed, and the situation I would have been working in had been crazy for some time, and I didn't want to be the one to pick up the pieces. In addition, I have had way WAY too much going on in my life to be thrown into a situation with no preparation, training, or support. The End! Back to the drawing board. Which is fine. I'm trusting and obeying, for there's no other way.

2010-01-17T17:31:00.003-05:00

I've heard this song many times before, and it's one of my all time faves, but the other day I was alone in the car, and it came on. As I listened to the words, I realized how powerful they were, and how much it speaks to me. (here's a link...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W8sKURkM3Es)

"Clear the Stage" by Ross King

Clear the stage and set the sound and lights ablaze
If that's the measure that it takes to crush the idols.
Chuck the pews and all the decorations too
Until the congregations few then have revival.
Tell your friends that this is where the party ends
until you're broken for your sins you can't be social.
Then seek the Lord and wait for what he has in store
and know that great is your reward and just be hopeful

Cause you can sing all you want to.
Yes you can sing all you want to
you can sing all you want to
And don't get me wrong, worship is more than a song.

Take a break from all the plans that you made
And sit at home alone and wait for God to whisper.
Beg Him please to open up his mouth and speak
And pray for real upon your knees until they blister.
Shine the light on every corner of your life
Until the pride and lust and lies are in the open.
Then read the word and put to test the things you've heard
Until your heart and soul are stirred and rocked and broken.

Cause you can sing all you want to.
Yes you can sing all you want to
you can sing all you want to
And don't get me wrong, worship is more than a song.

Anything I put before my God is an idol.
Anything I want with all my heart is an idol.
Anything I can't stop thinking of is an idol.
Anything that I give all my love is an idol.
We must not worship something that's not even worth it.
Clear the stage and make some space for the one who deserves it.

Cause I can sing all I want to.
Yes I can sing all I want to
I can sing all I want to
And still get it wrong, worship is more than a song.

And you can sing all you want to.
Yes you can sing all you want to
You can sing all you want to
But don't get me wrong, worship is more than a song.

Buh-bye Unemployment!

2010-01-12T13:38:00.004-05:00

Dear Unemployment,

We've had a good run together. Three months of Gilmore Girls, Friends, trips to AC Moore, dishes, laundry, cooking, and resume sending. But now I must say goodbye to you. We may meet again someday, but probably not for years to come. Don't worry now, joblessness, trust in the fact that I leave you for something much better. I know it's hard to hear, but know that I will cherish the memories that we made together, even if my wallet is thankful to see you go.

Goodbye, my loyal friend.

Love, Erin

That's right, ladies and gentlement (drumroll please!)....

I HAVE A JOB! My three months of job searching and frustration paid off. I was always sure, but now I am POSITIVE that I made the right decision in leaving my other position.

I start a week from today. I'll be a teacher for 3-4 year olds, paid a teacher's salary, and have summers off. It's always been somewhat of a dream for me to be able to survive financially while still being able to teach young children, so i am looking forward to seeing what this job will be like. I'm very very very nervous, but excited. This is such an answer to prayer, especially with the things I've been going through lately and the medical bills that have resulted. The only things left to say are: "Praise the Lord", and WOOHOO!

Farewell 2009

2009-12-31T14:28:00.007-05:00

Over the past month, maybe two, I've been AWOL on the blog front, as well as the twitter and facebook front for the most part. This past month has been nothing less than a whirlwind and a roller coaster. I feel like I've grown up and have aged at least five years in the course of 30 days or so. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. For now, the specifics don't need to be broadcast across cyberspace, but I'd be more than willing to share with those who contact me directly.

You know those things that happen to other people and when you hear about them, your heart absolutely breaks, and you are immediately thankful for the lack of serious issues in your own life? Well, when you suddenly realize you're going through one of those heartbreaking times, and you have no idea how to even begin to deal or overcome, and this all occurs smack dab before the holidays, it's nothing less than a test of faith.

The amazing thing is, with all of the small , (now seemingly trivial) trials in my life, (i.e.: lack of job/income, etc) I was SO quick to be angry and almost bitter at God. But then when I was hit with something so painful that I can't even wrap my brain around it, my faith was suddenly strengthened. It's almost as if God was throwing these little issues at me over the course of the past six months to see how I'd react. Like He was asking, "Will you turn to Me with your worries? Will you just realize that I'm in control and that you were created to glorify Me, so act that way!? Trust in Me!" Well, though I knew that my future wasn't my own to write, I still worried too much about what others thought, and still was quick to be upset with God when things didn't go my way. SO... God threw something huge at me. Something I couldn't POSSIBLY begin to understand or work through without complete faith and trust. And you know what? After going through the most grief-filled period of my life, I'm happier. Even in the midst of my grief I knew that it was all in God's plan, and that I was walking through it for a reason, even though it was beyond my understanding.

I am absolutely a different person now, and the change took only a few weeks. I'm trusting more, worrying less, and my outlook on the future is brighter. A part of my heart will always be sad, but I'm trusting in God's promise for me:
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

For those of you who have somewhat walked with us through this trial, Brad and I are so thankful for your love, support, and prayers. We are blessed beyond belief!

PS: This post was necessary, but I do promise to post some less deep, more fluffy thoughts soon!

Baby Steps

2009-11-13T13:43:00.008-05:00

News News News! Well, in reality none of my "news" is anything exciting by normal standards, but for a girl who's been unemployed for a month, being busy is noteworthy.
Updates: Knitting, Job Hunt, Life in General
.....and.....go!

First off, since I am most proud, let's talk about the fact that I now have TWO completed knitting projects. I finished my scarf, and also made an "umbilical cord" baby hat for Brad's cousin's baby who is due in a few weeks... take a Look!:
And I should say a huge THANKS to my friend/next door neighbor/awesome knitter Molly. She's my inspiration!

Next off, which some may think is more important (cue dramatic music): The Job Hunt.
I interviewed a week ago at a local school district and got "hired" as a day to day sub. I'm now just waiting for the school board to say "aye" so that I can officially start subbing. Dream job? HECK NO! Worth it to get my foot in the door? Hoping so! I'm still hoping for a long term position or better a contracted permanent position, but ya gotta start somewhere! (I may be ttrying to get into other districts as well so I'm sure I'll be able to work every day.)

Last off, life. Mostly same old, same old.
The big drama of the week was delivering my goat to her new home. (she had been living at my Mother in law's but she's selling her house, so Penelope was sent to my Aunt). That was an adventure in and of itself, considering my goat's anti-social/violent personality disorders. However, she seems to be adjusting well, and my poor Aunt Sue is a trooper and is still alive. :)

The last thing I want to make you aware of is that today is "To Write Love On Her Arms Day". (check out the organization's website: http://www.twloha.com/index.php). This organization has an outstanding vision, which you should really take the time to read, but in short they raise awareness and provide hope for people who struggle with depression, self-injury, and addictions. Awareness of this is SO important, because we ALL know people (most of us know multiple people) who struggle with these issues. Well, today is a day where they ask you to write "love" on your arms to raise awareness and to help those who struggle know that they are loved and that they're not alone. I am blessed enough that I can find my hope, strength, and worth in my Savior. But many people I know (from all walks of life, with many different value systems/beliefs) are struggling. I pray for them daily, and this is a small way of showing my love for them, and all who feel hopeless.
(This was my second attempt, the first washable marker version did not last long):

Newfound Loves...

2009-11-05T13:52:00.013-05:00

My neighbor Molly is possibly the most creative person I know. And since we've been hanging out together frequently, I've become quite jealous of her creativity.

I started "knitting" a few years ago, which basically consisted of me deciding to try to learn to knit once a year. It usually lasted a day, and then the knitting went back into the closet until the next annual inspiration. Most of my problems stemmed from not being able to fix mistakes I made.

Thanks to my fabulous knitter-next-door, I decided to try to actually finish a knitting project for the first time. I've been working on a "scarf", and am almost finished. I am going to be SO proud if I finish it!!! But, the beginning of my knitting career makes me so excited, because the possibilities of things to make are kind of endless if I learn how to do it well. My next ambition is to get a sewing machine or use someone else's so that I can make window treatments for our apartment.

Unemployment has made me extremely crafty. But, even though getting a job will cut down on my knitting time, if I find one I'll have money for new knit-ish items- yarns, needles, etc....woo hoo! Not to mention the fact that Brad promised to take me out to Olive Garden to celebrate my first day back at work, whenever that happens to be. (Interview for subbing tomorrow- gulp!)

Check out my scarfy progress... it's like a proud mom showing off her baby. This IS my firstborn knit after all.

Just Beginning:

And the current state:

Finished Product Pictures to come, promise!!!

Pressing On...

2009-11-03T09:51:00.007-05:00

Yesterday (nov. 2) marked one month since I left my daycare job. It seems ironic (i'm sure it's God) that yesterday happened to be the day that my motivation for job searching kicked back in. I made a call to a local district, and am still in the process of playing phone tag with the principal to set up an interview for subbing. It's all about the baby steps.

I also have an interview tomorrow evening for a family with a baby boy looking for a nanny. I feel like I'm wasting my time a bit with that one, though. Why nanny when I'm going through the effort of subbing. The nanny thing wouldn't start until January, and obviously I need to work before then. The only reason for subbing is to get my foot in the door for a permanent position, so I'm not torturing myself for two months by subbing with no long term result. But, I set up the interview, so I feel bad cancelling even though the chances of me wanting the position are slim to none. SO, just keeping my head up, making myself continue to put in that paperwork. Not looking forward to the first day, week, month of subbing. There will be some major anxiety attacks going on. I just pray it pays off in the end.

In other news, we've been hanging out with our next door neighbors more, who i LOVE...they are such a fun and creative pumpkins. For all who want to know, if you carve pumpkins with two art majors, you will end up realizing how little artistic ability you have. guaranteed. take a look. wonder if you can guess which pumpkin is ours, and which is our neighbors'. lol

So, with the new month comes a newfound ambition. I know with God's strength, I'll make it.

Happy November!

Where I am these days....

2009-10-21T21:44:00.000-04:00

This is one of those times in life where I stand at a crossroads, and the path I take will totally alter the rest of my life. Now, of course I realize that the story has already been written. It's been known before I took my first breath. Does that make it any easier? No. Do I need to learn to trust and to follow? Absolutely.

After four years of working in a toxic, drama filled environment, I made the choice to leave. The tough part of the situation I was in was that my job itself was fabulous. I loved the kids and parents, but unfortunately other people and factors made the job awful. So, I'm out. I'm unemployed, lonely, and still not spending the time I should be seeking the next step. I'm downright scared of what comes next. Part of the reason that I've only had three jobs in nine years (two of those were for 4 yrs a piece, one other for a year) is because I despise change. I like being good at what I do, and I like knowing what I'm doing. This is not saying that I need recognition, but if I feel that someone is insulting the way I do my job, or if I feel that I haven't done my job perfectly, I get anxious.

So, where am i?

I'm looking for a teaching job, willing it to fall into my lap. (yes, I know, you're ROFL)

Chances are, I'll need to sub for awhile. This is rough, because it's new everyday, and the classroom will not be completely and totally under control the way I prefer it. We'll see. I'm dragging my feet due to fear of the unknown.

I need to buckle down, buck up, cast my fears aside, all of those lovely things. Mostly I need to trust, pray, follow, and seek God's recognition and no one else's.

And so begins the next part of my journey.

Awkard Introductions

2009-10-21T18:00:00.000-04:00

I really don't expect many to read this, but in case you've stumbled across my redheaded self, I'll give a short bio. and.....go!

I'm 24, a Millersville University grad with a degree in Education (elementary and early childhood). I grew up here in Lancaster, PA, splitting my time between my divorced parents, living during the week with my Dad/stepmom/brother and weekends with my Mom and stepdad.

2003 was a nutso year in my life. huge changes all around. I met a great guy(later would become my husband). Went to prom with great guy. Had my first date. Graduated high school. Great guy became my boyfriend. My little sister was born (the month after I graduated). Left my family and went to college (Shippensburg). whew!

speeding it up a bit... spent a year in the dorms with great friends @ Ship. (boyfriend was still in high school at home). Did a ton of thinking, decided that I was completely unsure of what I wanted to do with my life. I moved home, spent a year working at the IU13 as a paraeducator in a 3rd to 5th grade classroom for kids with emotional disturbance/ODD/ADD/ADHD/MR, etc. (if you're thinking "yikes"- you're correct). somehow this convinced me to continue with my original plan of becoming a teacher. I got a job at a local daycare, then went back to school at Millersville while living at home. (I had taken a total of a year and a half off).

I spent tons of summers/winters taking classes to make up for lost time, and ended up adding an extra semester for Early Childhood. During this time I continued to work at the daycare. There were certainly speed bumps (mountains?!?) along the way, including financial issues, getting hit head on by a drunk driver, generally stress from juggling seventeen things at once. My boyfriend proposed in 2007. :)

I Finally graduated in May of 2008, and married my hubby a month later. We've been married for a bit over a year now, and are living in Mount Joy. The "being married" part of my life is absolutely fabulous. After five years of dating, we are extremely happy to be together and to be starting a life as a married couple.

My life, as you will see, is a work in progress. :)